Angels Among Us

Since I had only been back in California a brief time since the holidays, I had nothing to eat in the house. My mom and I decided to go to the grocery store after the surgeon. I knew my mom needed her coffee if she was going to survive this but she has always had a way of making sure that the house was stocked with groceries in a time of crisis. Smart lady. I wouldn't have thought of that. The first section of the market that we attempted to tackle was produce. We were in a fog and it's hard to concentrate on anything, let alone groceries, when your world is spinning out of control. It was right there in the produce section that my angels began to ascend. My phone rang and it was my friends calling from a salon that I sold my jewelry to and that I had worked at a few years prior. They were calling to check up on me and to see what the surgeon had said. I told them that the surgeon said she was 99.8% sure that I had Hodgkins Disease. This was obviously very bad news but what made the sting even worse was the fact that I did not have health insurance. I had stopped paying my insurance sometime in that last year because I had been running out of money. I hadn't been able to work very much because I had been feeling so sick. I was screwed in more than one way.

While I'm telling my friends at the salon my situation, there was a woman standing at the counter in front of them listening to our phone conversation. Her name was Reva. Reva asked my friends if she could talk to my mom. Reva was a client at the salon, a doctor who worked in research and had purchased my jewelry from time to time. I didn't remember her but she remembered me. Reva got on the phone with my mom and told her not to worry and that she would make a few phone calls and make sure I was treated. She also gave my mom her phone number and said that we should call her if we needed anything at all. This was exciting news but I really didn't know what she could do to help my situation. I wasn't giving up hope though.

Within the next couple of days, Dr. Almost Killed Me called to say that I did have Hodgkins for sure.  He gave me a number to an Oncologist, which I had no intention of calling. I was done with him. I didn't want to have anything to do with him or anyone he recommended. I figured that he had done enough for me already. Ha! He knew that I didn't have insurance because I had been paying him out of pocket so I did ask if he knew of any hospitals that would treat an uninsured cancer patient. He said, "No. Can't you ask your parents for money?" Ask my parents for money? It's not like asking to borrow $100 or even $10,000.00. He knew that. Again, complete asshole. I had never been to a county hospital but I knew they had to exist. I mean, right? I called Reva. She said that she would get an appointment for me at UCLA. Besides the initial appointment, I had no idea how I was going to pay for anything. I had already paid out of pocket for several visits to Dr. Almost Killed Me, for the CAT scans, and for the surgeon. After many phone calls to many people, trying to figure out if I could get treated anywhere, all roads led to the social services in West LA. Reva arranged an appointment for me at UCLA so my mom, my sister, and I decided to stop at the social service office first. 

As far as I was concerned, I was ready to administer the chemo to myself! Every minute that passed was an opportunity for that beast to continue to grow inside of me. I wanted chemo NOW. We went to the social services building off of Pico Blvd. and it was a cold place. There were bullet proof windows that the workers sat behind inside a big room. There were lots of people there. The wait was very long. I sat in that room wondering what everyone else was doing there. Were they there for food stamps? Were they dying too? After hours of waiting, we finally got called upstairs. When we got up there and they told me that I could only bring one person in with me and the other person would have to wait outside. My sister went into the interview with me and my mom waited. We sat in front of the the social workers desk and I told her why I was there. I have cancer. I don't have any money. I don't have any insurance. I need to be treated. I need your help. She began to ask me questions..."How old are you?"..."Are you an American citizen?"..."Do you have AIDS?"..."Do you have breast cancer?"..."Are you pregnant?" And so on, and so on, and so on. At the end of the questions she said, "I can't help you. There's nothing I can do for you." WHAT?????!!!!! What do you mean you can't help me? I've worked for almost 20 years. I always paid my taxes. I've never asked for any help EVER and I have CANCER!!!!!! The social worker said, "Well, you aren't under 21 years of age. You aren't a foreigner. You don't have AIDS. You don't have breast cancer, and you aren't pregnant." Did I just hear this lady right? These are the qualifications???!!! I said, you do realize that I WILL DIE if I'm not treated? She said, "Yes, I understand. But your cancer is treatable." I said that doesn't help me. If my treatable cancer isn't treated, I'M GOING TO DIE. This is when my sister jumped in and said, "She's going to die if you don't help her." The social worker said,"Well, MY sister had cancer. It was a very rare cancer and she didn't make it. She died. It happens." At this point tears start streaming down my sisters cheeks. I didn't feel like crying. I was pissed off. I thought the woman sitting across the desk was as helpful as a dragon and I wanted to punch her in the face for making my sister cry by basically telling her that, "My sisters dead, and now? Yours is too." Instead of punching her in the face, I asked her if there was any chance at all that I could try a hospital like USC that I could just try walking into their emergency room and MAYBE they would treat me? The dragon lady said, "No. No one will take you. Plus there is a waiting list EVERYWHERE. You will NEVER get in."

The three of us got in the car and started heading towards UCLA for the appointment that Angel Reva had made for me. I sat in the back seat and listened to my mom and my sister go crazy. They were scared, upset, and angry. In my head, I didn't go there. I didn't care what the dragon lady said. I wasn't going to go home and die. I was going to be treated. I knew it. I didn't know how or where, but some how I knew that I would be treated. As we walked into UCLA's cancer unit, the first thing we passed was a wig store. I was thinking...and so it begins. My tests and biopsy was being read by a world renowned Pathologist named Dr. Saad which was pronounced "said." I don't know why I thought this was funny but I kept saying Dr. Saad said. Maybe I took it as a sign. Whatever Dr. Saad said was the truth. They called us in to meet with two oncologist for the pathology reading. I was nervous because this is when they give you the stage number you are at. I was hoping for stage 1 but deep down I knew better. They told me that I was borderline stage 3 - 4. The tumor was so large that it was completely smashing my right lung and pushing my trachea over so far that they were afraid I was going to choke to death. The tumor went from the right side of my chest all the way over to the left, almost touching my heart. Because of this, they decided to stage me at 4 and treat me accordingly. This meant that I was going to be receiving the highest and most potent doses of chemotherapy that are possible. They had arranged for me to check into a county hospital the next morning which was an annex of UCLA. It was run by UCLA. They said that I would be in there over the weekend getting tests done. They would check my heart, my lungs, blood work, more scans, and a bone marrow test. I had heard about bone marrow tests and I knew I didn't want any part of it.

We left UCLA feeling better and terrified at the same time. Ever since the biopsy, I had been getting worse fast. It seemed like messing with the tumor had pissed it off. I was relieved to know that I was checking into a hospital, and that I had had a great pathologist review my case, but how was this all happening? What had the Reva done for me? How was this going to get paid for? I had no idea but I had faith and I knew that Reva was an angel here on Earth for me. I knew it, I believed, and I prayed...

The wings of angels are often found on the backs of the least likely people. ~ Unknown

I believe with all my heart that we all have guardian angels. Most we cannot see, but some walk among us. Honor your angels. They're here to love and protect you.

Mama Love XO

Believe In Your Outcome

Just to reiterate, I do not re-read what I write. It comes from my heart and lands here. There will be typo's etc... Hope you don't mind.

After I left Dr. Almost Killed Me's office, I walked across the street to the parking lot with a lot of paperwork in my hands. He had given me papers with a place to get a CAT scan, a surgeons name and number, and I don't even know what else. After the words cancer came out of his mouth, all I heard was blah blah blah blah. So you know, I don't use a capital "c" when I write the word cancer. It doesn't deserve a capital letter.

I got into my car and started to cry. I felt lost, scared, and helpless. I called my mom and told her. I had seen her over the holidays, she lives in the Midwest, and her mama intuition had whispered to her while I was visiting, "Your girl has cancer." I was really thin and she just knew. In fact, she secretly made a doctors appointment for me with her doctor while I was there, but I said, "What's the point? I have my own doctors appointment scheduled for when I get back to LA?" I made her cancel the appointment. My mom never told me that she feared I had cancer. So, when I called her from the car, she broke down. She couldn't speak. She was sobbing. It was a sort of primal cry. The kind of cry a mother should never have to experience. Thank God my step father walked in from work and took the phone from her. He not only did that, he TOOK OVER. He got me home. He talked me through it. I had to drive all the way across town from Santa Monica to the Hollywood Hills. Pretty far of a drive when you're in shock.

The next day my sister ditched work, picked me up and drove me to the CAT scan facility. It was there that I tried to gain my footing. Being a Libra, I'm all about balance and this had kicked me way off of my feet. While I was drinking the gunk that you have to drink in order to get a CAT scan, it was all sinking in. I knew I had cancer even though it hadn't been made official yet and suddenly I knew I had just stepped into an episode of "Party of Five," and I was Charlie. Remember when Charlie got cancer? This was real. Shit just got REAL.

When I walked into the dressing room to change into a gown is when I decided I needed to take some of my power back. I've done this thing since I was a little girl where I will only accept certain outcomes in certain situations. No one taught me this. It's a natural instinct. Maybe it's the stubborn part of me, I don't know, but if something is very important to me, I don't allow any other possibilities to be on the table. I put all of my energy into the outcome that I want, and leave no room in my head for other possibilities. There is only one outcome that I will accept, the outcome that I want.

I was laying on the table inside the machine with the technicians coming in and out of the room. They had been viewing the scan and me through a window in an adjacent room. A female technician came in to adjust my position at one point and through small talk asked me if I had been feeling sick at all lately. Then a male technician came in at one point to do the same thing, again with the small talk and trying to be nonchalant asked me if I had been having any fevers recently. I am well aware of the fact that technicians aren't supposed to ask you questions like this. They have nonchalantly showed their hand to me and I know they see something major. Inside my head I didn't go there. By "there" I mean that ugly,horrifying, dark place. That place where you panic and feel like your brain is melting. I chose to remain calm. I turned on my automatic pilot.

The next thing I knew, I was picking my mom up from LAX. She came with a suitcase full of clothes for a week. Everything was moving pretty quickly. I had an appointment with a surgeon for a biopsy and my mom wanted to be there. She landed kind of late at night so when we got to my house, we went to bed. We fell asleep crying and she spooned me the whole night. The next morning we walk into the surgeons examining room and I see what looks like a sword (to me) laid out on the table. I said, "HO-LY SHIT," and my mom says, "Don't look at that, it's not for you." I said of course it's for me! Have I mentioned that I have a fear of needles? And doctors? And hospitals? And SWORDS? Turned out I was right and my mom was wrong. She, of course, knew all along that the sword was for me, too. After the surgeon was finished impaling my neck with her sword, she said "I am 99.8% sure that you have Hodgkins Disease, which is a form of Lymphoma." This was the first time I heard these words. I didn't know anything about Hodgkins. I knew that Charlie on "Party of Five" had it, but that's about it. When the surgeon told me that, I did feel myself start to slip into the dark place, but I made myself quickly snap back from it. I did what I always do and told myself there is only one outcome here that is acceptable and that is that I survive this beast. I WILL LIVE.

The thing is negative thoughts are exactly like cancer. If you give them an inch, they will keep growing. The mind is so powerful, you have to be very careful what you fill it with. If you want something really bad, don't let any thoughts other than the outcome that you want, enter your mind. Eat it, breathe it, live it. Believe!


Next post on angels:-)

Mama Love XO

Happy Love Day!

It is a mystery why we fall in love. It is a mystery how it happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why some loves grow, and it is a mystery why some loves fail. You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and causes, but you will never do any more than take the life out of the experience.

Love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its time, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways.

You need to treat what love brings you with kindness. If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn’t choose to rest in the other person’s heart.

If you find someone else in love with you toward whom you feel no love, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage; do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how love will deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are very different.

If you fall in love with another who falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame. Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know it in time, but time itself will choose the moment.

Remember this and keep it in your heart. You don’t choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it to you. Give it to others who seem poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can.

Love has its own time, its own season, and its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it or reason it into staying. If it chooses to leave your heart or the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and nothing you should do. Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life. If you keep your heart open, it will surely come again.


Kent Nerbern

Happy Valentines Day to our beautiful tribe of peace and lovers! XOXO

You Are Loved!

Hope you are all hanging in there during this crazy and hectic time of year. Don't forget to take some time to be still and reflect. Look around at all you are blessed with. It's magical when you think about it. Be in the moment and take it all in. These moments don't last forever. Remember, you ARE loved!

Happy Fathers Day!

To all of the dads out there who told their kids wildly fantastic stories before putting them to bed, who was always there to hold their kids and make them feel safe, who put together every miserably impossible race track or Barbie "Dream House", who dragged both their girls or boys out of bed at 4am to go fishing, who had patience enough to teach them how to swim and how to throw a ball properly, who taught their kids about the birds and the bees while trying to make dinner, who wouldn't miss a dance recital, baseball game, or school play for the world, and who taught their kids that there are no limits, because anything is possible in life, Happy Fathers Day! You did good!!!

Who's Your Mama?

We had a little anonymous miracle in our beach town here in Encinitas, a couple of weeks ago. Some men dressed in work clothes that made them appear to be city workers, put this stained glass piece of art up on city property. No one knows who those men are or who the artist of this gorgeous creation is. They still haven't come forward. So here we have the Holy Mother or Our Lady of Guadalupe, catching a wave on her rad board, booties and all. The city is undecided as to whether or not they will "allow" this free work of art to remain or not because "No one got permission for this" and "It may cause safety issues" and blah blah blah. Politics shmolitics. For now, we will enjoy our Mother while we can. After all, she's watching out for all of us at the beach, dude!

Speaking of mothers, they come in all shapes and sizes. You don't have to give birth to a baby or officially adopt a child to be a mother. Some of us have been mothering our whole lives. Even as children, we were looking after younger children or babies, not always because we had to, but because we wanted to. It's just one of those unexplainable natural phenomenons from the universe, to have mothering instincts and to love children unconditionally, even if the children you love aren't yours.

I believe that throughout our life, most of us have many mothers. Great women who come and go throughout our lifetime, that leave a permanent mark of wisdom and love on us. These "mothers" don't even have to be in your life for an extended period of time, as in years. When you're a kid, these "mothers" could come in the form of an aunt, a camp counselor or a lady in the neighborhood. As an adult, maybe in the form of a boss, a landlord, a nurse, or your friends mom. These "mothers" are everywhere and I thank God for the phenomenal "mothers" who have crossed my path. I hope we all are able to recognize these women and honor them.

On this Mothers Day, along with celebrating our own beautiful moms, let's celebrate all of our "mothers," past and present. These women loved and cared for us, even though they didn't have to. Now THAT'S something pretty special!

Happy Mothers Day to ALL of the "Mothers" out there!!! xo

Inspirational Wishes

This is what we wish your experience to be in life...

May peace be your journey and may love light your path.

Think Pink!!!

As we all know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It's time to THINK PINK!!! Ladies, check your boobies! If your under 40 years old, do a self exam. If your older than 40, please get a mammogram. And men, do your part by making sure your lady is taking care of herself! Everybody check their boobies!


In honor of THINKING PINK, we will be donating 5% of all sales made on www.mypeaceandlove.com during the month of October to Susan G. Komen for a CURE!!! So, here's your chance to SHOP FOR A CURE!


Cheers to peace, love and kicking cancers ASS!!! xoxo

Stand Up 2 Cancer!

All day today and tomorrow we will be donating 10% of ALL SALES that are made at www.MyPeaceAndLove.com to Stand Up 2 Cancer. Their organization uses 100% of ALL its donations in collaborative cancer research! How awesome is that?!

Almost everyone has been affected by cancer in some way by either a loved one being diagnosed or having been diagnosed with it themselves. But here is the AMAZING news that we do not hear enough about...through research, we have been making great strides and MANY PEOPLE ARE SURVIVING cancer every day. DID YOU HEAR THAT? Way more people than you know are SURVIVING cancer due to the OUTSTANDING RESEARCH!

But more needs to be done. We need a lot more research to find a CURE for EVERY kind of cancer! Some cancers are curable and some are not. Lets put every effort into making sure that ALL cancers are curable in our lifetime! We can do this!

Don't forget to watch Stand Up 2 Cancer tomorrow night September 10 at 8:00PM ET/PT and 7:00PM  CT on ABC, NBC, CBS and FOX networks. 

The Fun Is Over

I guess that all fun things must come to an end. Vacation and family time ended today. They are all on a plane heading home. All that remains are smooshed Goldfish crackers, sand and half empty water bottles on the floor of my car. Gifts from my nieces and nephews:)

We went everywhere and did everything. Catalina Island, Moonlight Beach in Encinitas, Universal Studios, Hollywood tourist ssshtuff, the Farmers Market, Laguna, the ferris wheel on the Santa Monica Pier, made s'mores, resort day of swimming and lots more sssshtuff.

All in all it was very successful family time. We only had one boogie board injury that required first aid, no major fights, one cell phone lost to the sea, one wallet lost but quickly recovered by the nice people at Universal, one case of sea sickness, one cousin accidently kicking the other in the neck while swimming and I think that just about covers it. A group full of kids? I think we came out pretty good!!!























































And Last but not least, my niece wanted me to make her a dayglow peace necklace. How gorgeous of a young lady is she???!!!



Miss the family already:(