Believe In Your Outcome

Just to reiterate, I do not re-read what I write. It comes from my heart and lands here. There will be typo's etc... Hope you don't mind.

After I left Dr. Almost Killed Me's office, I walked across the street to the parking lot with a lot of paperwork in my hands. He had given me papers with a place to get a CAT scan, a surgeons name and number, and I don't even know what else. After the words cancer came out of his mouth, all I heard was blah blah blah blah. So you know, I don't use a capital "c" when I write the word cancer. It doesn't deserve a capital letter.

I got into my car and started to cry. I felt lost, scared, and helpless. I called my mom and told her. I had seen her over the holidays, she lives in the Midwest, and her mama intuition had whispered to her while I was visiting, "Your girl has cancer." I was really thin and she just knew. In fact, she secretly made a doctors appointment for me with her doctor while I was there, but I said, "What's the point? I have my own doctors appointment scheduled for when I get back to LA?" I made her cancel the appointment. My mom never told me that she feared I had cancer. So, when I called her from the car, she broke down. She couldn't speak. She was sobbing. It was a sort of primal cry. The kind of cry a mother should never have to experience. Thank God my step father walked in from work and took the phone from her. He not only did that, he TOOK OVER. He got me home. He talked me through it. I had to drive all the way across town from Santa Monica to the Hollywood Hills. Pretty far of a drive when you're in shock.

The next day my sister ditched work, picked me up and drove me to the CAT scan facility. It was there that I tried to gain my footing. Being a Libra, I'm all about balance and this had kicked me way off of my feet. While I was drinking the gunk that you have to drink in order to get a CAT scan, it was all sinking in. I knew I had cancer even though it hadn't been made official yet and suddenly I knew I had just stepped into an episode of "Party of Five," and I was Charlie. Remember when Charlie got cancer? This was real. Shit just got REAL.

When I walked into the dressing room to change into a gown is when I decided I needed to take some of my power back. I've done this thing since I was a little girl where I will only accept certain outcomes in certain situations. No one taught me this. It's a natural instinct. Maybe it's the stubborn part of me, I don't know, but if something is very important to me, I don't allow any other possibilities to be on the table. I put all of my energy into the outcome that I want, and leave no room in my head for other possibilities. There is only one outcome that I will accept, the outcome that I want.

I was laying on the table inside the machine with the technicians coming in and out of the room. They had been viewing the scan and me through a window in an adjacent room. A female technician came in to adjust my position at one point and through small talk asked me if I had been feeling sick at all lately. Then a male technician came in at one point to do the same thing, again with the small talk and trying to be nonchalant asked me if I had been having any fevers recently. I am well aware of the fact that technicians aren't supposed to ask you questions like this. They have nonchalantly showed their hand to me and I know they see something major. Inside my head I didn't go there. By "there" I mean that ugly,horrifying, dark place. That place where you panic and feel like your brain is melting. I chose to remain calm. I turned on my automatic pilot.

The next thing I knew, I was picking my mom up from LAX. She came with a suitcase full of clothes for a week. Everything was moving pretty quickly. I had an appointment with a surgeon for a biopsy and my mom wanted to be there. She landed kind of late at night so when we got to my house, we went to bed. We fell asleep crying and she spooned me the whole night. The next morning we walk into the surgeons examining room and I see what looks like a sword (to me) laid out on the table. I said, "HO-LY SHIT," and my mom says, "Don't look at that, it's not for you." I said of course it's for me! Have I mentioned that I have a fear of needles? And doctors? And hospitals? And SWORDS? Turned out I was right and my mom was wrong. She, of course, knew all along that the sword was for me, too. After the surgeon was finished impaling my neck with her sword, she said "I am 99.8% sure that you have Hodgkins Disease, which is a form of Lymphoma." This was the first time I heard these words. I didn't know anything about Hodgkins. I knew that Charlie on "Party of Five" had it, but that's about it. When the surgeon told me that, I did feel myself start to slip into the dark place, but I made myself quickly snap back from it. I did what I always do and told myself there is only one outcome here that is acceptable and that is that I survive this beast. I WILL LIVE.

The thing is negative thoughts are exactly like cancer. If you give them an inch, they will keep growing. The mind is so powerful, you have to be very careful what you fill it with. If you want something really bad, don't let any thoughts other than the outcome that you want, enter your mind. Eat it, breathe it, live it. Believe!


Next post on angels:-)

Mama Love XO

Happy Love Day!

It is a mystery why we fall in love. It is a mystery how it happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why some loves grow, and it is a mystery why some loves fail. You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and causes, but you will never do any more than take the life out of the experience.

Love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its time, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways.

You need to treat what love brings you with kindness. If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn’t choose to rest in the other person’s heart.

If you find someone else in love with you toward whom you feel no love, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage; do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how love will deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are very different.

If you fall in love with another who falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame. Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know it in time, but time itself will choose the moment.

Remember this and keep it in your heart. You don’t choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it to you. Give it to others who seem poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can.

Love has its own time, its own season, and its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it or reason it into staying. If it chooses to leave your heart or the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and nothing you should do. Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life. If you keep your heart open, it will surely come again.


Kent Nerbern

Happy Valentines Day to our beautiful tribe of peace and lovers! XOXO

You Are Loved!

Hope you are all hanging in there during this crazy and hectic time of year. Don't forget to take some time to be still and reflect. Look around at all you are blessed with. It's magical when you think about it. Be in the moment and take it all in. These moments don't last forever. Remember, you ARE loved!

Yay For Summer!!!

So this is why we LOVE summer so much. It's magical...

Happy Fathers Day!

To all of the dads out there who told their kids wildly fantastic stories before putting them to bed, who was always there to hold their kids and make them feel safe, who put together every miserably impossible race track or Barbie "Dream House", who dragged both their girls or boys out of bed at 4am to go fishing, who had patience enough to teach them how to swim and how to throw a ball properly, who taught their kids about the birds and the bees while trying to make dinner, who wouldn't miss a dance recital, baseball game, or school play for the world, and who taught their kids that there are no limits, because anything is possible in life, Happy Fathers Day! You did good!!!

Remembrance & Gratitude

A few days ago, I was standing at Ground Zero. I had never seen it with my own eyes before. The last time I had stood in that spot, the towers were still there. Even after 10 years, Ground Zero still feels like a very sacred place.

As I walked from Ground Zero to Battery Park,  my heart was heavy while thinking about all of the people who had lost their lives on that day. They were soldiers in a war and didn't even know it. I consider every one of them to be American hero's, who died with grace.

                                            World Trade Center Memorial, Battery Park

So, while we're remembering and giving gratitude to all of our brave military members who have lost their lives in battle this Memorial Day, let's also remember those who perished on 9/11. God bless them all!

Who's Your Mama?

We had a little anonymous miracle in our beach town here in Encinitas, a couple of weeks ago. Some men dressed in work clothes that made them appear to be city workers, put this stained glass piece of art up on city property. No one knows who those men are or who the artist of this gorgeous creation is. They still haven't come forward. So here we have the Holy Mother or Our Lady of Guadalupe, catching a wave on her rad board, booties and all. The city is undecided as to whether or not they will "allow" this free work of art to remain or not because "No one got permission for this" and "It may cause safety issues" and blah blah blah. Politics shmolitics. For now, we will enjoy our Mother while we can. After all, she's watching out for all of us at the beach, dude!

Speaking of mothers, they come in all shapes and sizes. You don't have to give birth to a baby or officially adopt a child to be a mother. Some of us have been mothering our whole lives. Even as children, we were looking after younger children or babies, not always because we had to, but because we wanted to. It's just one of those unexplainable natural phenomenons from the universe, to have mothering instincts and to love children unconditionally, even if the children you love aren't yours.

I believe that throughout our life, most of us have many mothers. Great women who come and go throughout our lifetime, that leave a permanent mark of wisdom and love on us. These "mothers" don't even have to be in your life for an extended period of time, as in years. When you're a kid, these "mothers" could come in the form of an aunt, a camp counselor or a lady in the neighborhood. As an adult, maybe in the form of a boss, a landlord, a nurse, or your friends mom. These "mothers" are everywhere and I thank God for the phenomenal "mothers" who have crossed my path. I hope we all are able to recognize these women and honor them.

On this Mothers Day, along with celebrating our own beautiful moms, let's celebrate all of our "mothers," past and present. These women loved and cared for us, even though they didn't have to. Now THAT'S something pretty special!

Happy Mothers Day to ALL of the "Mothers" out there!!! xo

Inspirational Wishes

This is what we wish your experience to be in life...

May peace be your journey and may love light your path.

Who's Most Likely To Be Blessed in 2011?

The story on Yahoo's homepage today was titled, "Who's most likely to struggle in 2011." That is a terrible headline! The year hasn't even begun yet and negativity is being thrown our way and sending some people into a panic. Do NOT buy into that negativity and do NOT read stuff like that!

We have a better headline for you...WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO BE BLESSED IN 2011? The answer is simple. Anyone who believes that they are blessed will be blessed. If you need help with this concept, we're here to help you. Our goal isn't to just help you have a blessed year though. Our goal is to help you have MANY blessed years to come. 

In order to do this you've got to have a vision for your life. If you have a family, it's important to have a vision for your family as well. If you ask around, most people don't have a real vision for themselves or their families.  But if you don't make one, the world has a way of making one for you. Sort of like flying by the seat of your pants and feeling lost.

To make a life vision, start by taking inventory. Make a Gratitude list which is a list of what and whom your grateful for right now. Then make a list of what you want in your future. We'll call this the POSITIVE list. Make this be very specific because you will need it for the next step which is going to be your Vision Board. The Vision Board can be a cork board but we prefer those large poster boards that you can get at any arts & crafts store and sometimes even at the drugstore. They cost about a dollar. Once you've got your board, pick out photos that express your visions. If you want a certain kind of house, find a photo that looks like it. If you want joy in your life, find a photo that expresses joy. If you want good health, find photos that show things that achieve good health. If you want to go to Tahiti, find some gorgeous photos of Tahiti. If you want more money, you're not going to get it by focusing all of your attention on bills and debt. Get the idea? Be very specific in what you want! Then glue all of the photos on to your Vision Board and place the board where you can look at it every day. This way, it will help you to stay focused on your vision. We attract the things that we focus on! 

Now it's time to clean house! Here comes the last list that you will need to make. This ones called the NEGATIVE list. This list also needs to be very specific. On here you will write down everything that blocks you from getting the things you want. If you're lazy about reaching goals, put laziness on there. If you have negative thoughts all of the time, put negative thinking on there. If you share your time, space or life with negative people or people who don't wish what it best for you, put them on the list. It is time to let go of unhealthy relationships. It is time to let go of everything that does not add to your life. This is going to be very hard for most people to do just for the sole reason that we are creatures of habit. But if you truly want to see significant change in your life, you have to be willing to let go of bad habits. No way around it. 

Last but not least, stop filling yourself up with negativity. It is everywhere. Don't watch the news reports that love to talk non-stop about the recession, job loss, foreclosures, etc... Don't read about it in the papers or online. Ask yourself how it makes you feel after you fill up on those negative stories. The answer is probably not very good and pretty hopeless, right? 

Stay focused on the POSITIVE. Watch things and read about things that fill you up with good energy. Share your time, space and life with people who make you want to be a better person. When you feel yourself starting to have a pity party or you're having a "WHY ME" moment, go and do something nice for someone. Then take out your GRATITUDE list and remember all that you have right now to be grateful for. Fill your SOUL every single day with light. Your soul needs tending to just as a garden does. Water it and feed it! Be of service when needed and do it with a smile. Share your LOVE with people and with yourSELF!

If you can live your life with VISION, GRATITUDE, LOVE and SERVICE, you will get everything you want and more importantly, need. And this my friend, is what is known as a BLESSED life. 

Wishing you all a very blessed New Year! xoxo

  

Gratitude Giveaway Round Two Winner!

We'd like to thank you all once again, for sharing your stories with us about the beautiful and amazing people in your lives that you are grateful for. It's an honor to get to read about everyone. There are so many awesome people in the world!

The winner of the Gratitude Giveaway is Francesca Scopelliti! We didn't pick Francesca for our usual reason which is a person who gives more than they take. We chose Francesca because despite the fact that she had disabilities that she needed to overcome growing up, she had to do so while facing bullies who simply bullied her for reasons that were beyond her control. That's enough to make anyone want to give up on life, but she didn't. Francesca persevered with grace. We think that Francesca is the type of person who we could all learn from. Congratulations, Francesca! We're grateful for learning about you!

Here's the letter that her sister, Antonia wrote to us:

 I want to nominate my little sister for the gratitude giveaway. Her name is Francesca and she isn’t so little anymore but being 10 years older than her will always make her little. My little sister is 20 years old and has been through so much adversity in her life. I often wonder if I could have handled half the things she has been through.

She was born in November of 1990, 2 and a half months premature. She weighed 2 pounds and 1 ounce. She was tiny and it was sad to watch her be fed through a tube in her nose and then watch them shave her head and see all the wires on her. I honestly thought if she could make it through the first couple of months, she’d be fine. My older sister was also born premature and she turned out just fine so I didn’t really worry that much. She stayed in the hospital until the week before christmas. A few days before she came home, the doctor told my parents that she had suffered a brain haemorrhage shortly after her birth. They weren’t aware yet of how much damage had been done and as she grew they would monitor everything. The haemorrhage had cause cerebral palsy; a mild form that affected the right side of her body. It took her longer than most children to learn how to walk and the right side of her body was very weak. She needed to sleep with a machine attached to her leg and arm so that they would help strengthen her.

 When she entered school, we realized she wasn't learning as fast as the other children. She was diagnosed with a learning disability and everything became much harder. It took her double the time to learn things that her peers were learning. She had friends but was bullied because ignorant children didn't seem to understand that not everyone is the same. Through it all, she persevered. In high school, she faced similar challenges but managed to work through them.

 In 2005, she was walking home from school and hit by a car. She had to be home schooled for much of 10^th grade and this caused her to go into a depression. There were moments when I found myself crying constantly because I couldn't imagine everything she had been through her whole life. This poor child had faced the unimaginable at such a young age.

 She began university in 2008, obviously, it was difficult at first because she realized she had to push much harder than the other students. She spent many nights crying herself to sleep and wanted to quit so many times. She never gave up though. She has been this way from the day she was born.

 Today, she is in her 3^rd year of university. She has plans to attend law school once she graduates. We are all so proud of her and all her efforts.  I am thankful to have her in my life and to remind me every day that if you want something bad enough, it is attainable. J

Attached is a picture of her and I and our older sister (Francesca is in the middle and I am on the left). She is a true survivor and will always be the most important person in my life. 
 
 
Thank you,
 
Antonia
xoxoxo

And The Winner Of The Gratitude Giveaway Is...

Deciding on a winner for the Gratitude Giveaway was much harder than we expected. Much harder. All of the entries were beautiful stories and many brought tears. Thank you to all who entered. Your words were beautiful!


The winner of the giveaway is Jill Kincer. Her daughter, Elizabeth wrote in and here is her story...

 I am writing to nominate an individual for the gratitude giveaway. I guess I will begin by giving a little background information on myself and my nomination. My name is Elizabeth Kincer, I am an 18 year old Senior attending Seymour High School, and I have 2 brothers (Kyle who is 16 and Cameron who is 9). I have been accepted to attend Indiana Business College and intend on pursuing a degree as a Veterinary Technician, a passion I have had since birth. 

My brother Kyle is an excellent student, and he has had a passion for music his entire life. He can play any instrument that you put in front of him, and he will play it well! (Not that I am jealous or anything) He has been a drummer in a local teen band "7 Car Pile-Up"  for about 5 years and hopes to "make it big" someday, and I have no doubt with his talent that he will.

My other brother, Cameron, is our "baby". He was diagnosed with Autism several years ago. He is the smartest little boy I have ever seen and I truly can not wait to see what amazing things he might accomplish in his life. I love to just hang out with him and watch cartoons, teach him new things (the kid is like a sponge for knowledge), or help him with "I Spy" books. He is just so much fun! Which brings me to my person for nomination...

My mother, my best friend and absolutely most amazing strong woman I have ever met. She is a single parent, and when she was really struggling with Cameron's issues I saw a change in her and it really scared me at first. He was in full medical meltdown several years age prior to his diagnosis. I didn't know it at the time, but later found out, that she was probably having a nervous breakdown herself. Her child was sick, very sick, and she didn't know why and she couldn't "fix" it. She couldn't "kiss" it away or hold him until he felt better, and this made her feel like a failure as a parent. This made me so sad because my mom has always been our rock. She kept this family as stable as possible, she made everything flow, and was and is our everything, and for her to feel like a failure was a life altering state of being for all of us. I saw, what could have easily been a family's demise and ultimate breakdown, this woman pick herself and her family up, stand up tall on two very strong feet and that was "it". She was determined not to let this get any of us down. She found out everything she could about Autism. She made changes and adjustments in our everyday lives that would better Cameron's life, but she did it in a way where there was very little disruption for the rest of us. She worked with Cameron constantly to better his health and living conditions, and she sacrificed so much to do so. 

My mother is constantly giving to and for her children, family and friends. We are always in the forefront of her mind in everything that she does. I have seen her buying food for a family with four small children that had no food for them, even though we barely had enough for ourselves, and at first I was so angry and I asked her, "why are you doing that when we don't have that much for ourselves?" Her answer to me was, "Well, we are ok and if I have a little to help then thats one child that won't go to bed hungry." I felt so overwhelmed with emotions and at the same time inspired! She has given people rides to work when they couldn't get there when she had no idea how she herself would cover the next gas fill, but never asked for a dime from the people she was helping.  She can not keep jobs for very long at a time due to Cameron's needs. It will often cause her to miss work because she is the only one that really can deal with his emotional and social issues. She has searched long countless hours for grants and assistance, but has had no luck. At this point both of our vehicles are broken down, and my brother doesn't have a car yet (it isn't looking good for him anyway) so I am not quite sure what we will do about the working situations and getting Cameron to his medical appointments, but I want her to know that we appreciate her. We realize how much she does, how much she has done, how much love she pours out to us. We don't have anything at all, no vehicles, house is old and falling apart and way to small for us, we never get to go "out" and do things other kids do, Cameron has never been on a vacation and he always asks mom to take us to Disney World (which I know rips her heart out to know she will never be able to take him), she struggles to put gas in the tank, keep the lights on, and  put food on the table  (I often worry how Kyle and I will make it to college) I know this causes countless sleepless nights for her, just knowing that she is doing the best she can but not being able to provide the basic needs. We all feel so lucky though. We are all together, we are in good health, and we have a roof over our heads, and that is 100% due to this amazing woman! I love you mommy!

There is really so much more I could go on about this woman, but I think you probably get the idea. Her name is Jill Kincer, she is (as I mentioned) a 35 year old single parent of 3 awesome and amazing children (we get that from her!). She currently attends Hair Force Beauty Academy to get her license for Cosmetology. She is currently unemployed, but hopefully if we can get transportation and gas that will be a temporary situation.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this e-mail. I think this would be the most amazing way to show her how much she is appreciated. She would never think we would do anything like this.

Thanks again,

Elizabeth Kincer

Happy Halloween!

Was at a Halloween party last night when the photo above appeared on my blackberry. I was beyond excited to get it. Her name is Atia and she is a 3 year old little girl who has stolen our heart. She has stolen a lot of peoples hearts! She's wearing the smallest necklace that we've ever made for anyone and what an honor it was to do so!

All photos by Laura Lutarewych

Atia has been battling leukemia and is receiving chemotherapy. She is so brave and such a natural born fighter! Last year she was too sick to go trick or treating so she was SO excited to dress up in her Foofa from Yo Gabba Gabba costume to participate in all the fun this weekend. Her amazing mama, Laura Lutarewych posted this photo for all of Atia's fans to see on Twitter. Does she melt your heart or what?!

Laura and Atia

I learned about Atia through our lovely and divine Dina Manzo, formerly of the Real Housewives Of New Jersey and founder of the charity Project Ladybug. This awesome charity is specifically for children battling cancer and their families. Atia is Chicago's Ladybug.

If you would like to learn more about Atia's journey or her mama, Laura...Did I mention that Laura is a cancer survivor??? You can read all abut them on Laura's blog by clicking here. If you would like to learn more about Project Ladybug, you can do so by clicking here.

Happy Halloween to all of you! We say Atia wins this year for best costume!!! xo

Stand Up 2 Cancer!

All day today and tomorrow we will be donating 10% of ALL SALES that are made at www.MyPeaceAndLove.com to Stand Up 2 Cancer. Their organization uses 100% of ALL its donations in collaborative cancer research! How awesome is that?!

Almost everyone has been affected by cancer in some way by either a loved one being diagnosed or having been diagnosed with it themselves. But here is the AMAZING news that we do not hear enough about...through research, we have been making great strides and MANY PEOPLE ARE SURVIVING cancer every day. DID YOU HEAR THAT? Way more people than you know are SURVIVING cancer due to the OUTSTANDING RESEARCH!

But more needs to be done. We need a lot more research to find a CURE for EVERY kind of cancer! Some cancers are curable and some are not. Lets put every effort into making sure that ALL cancers are curable in our lifetime! We can do this!

Don't forget to watch Stand Up 2 Cancer tomorrow night September 10 at 8:00PM ET/PT and 7:00PM  CT on ABC, NBC, CBS and FOX networks. 

Shoes With Soul

Since it's time for everyone to do their back to school (Man did I hate that saying as a kid!) shopping, it seems like the perfect time kill two birds with one stone (We don't want to kill any birds. Why do I keep using phrases that I don;t like? ). But seriously, since you probably need to buy new shoes for your kids, why not choose a pair that keeps on giving?

If you have no access to a television and haven't heard about Toms Shoes, they are awesome! Toms Shoes donates a pair of shoes to a child in need of shoes, for every single pair of shoes that are purchased from them. And the shoes are cute to boot! No pun intended:) They don't just make shoes for children either so you can get yourself a pair too. It's the perfect gift with a purchase.

We aren't getting paid to share this with you, just FYI. We just happen to know that Tom Rocks! www.toms.com 

What Would Peggy Do?

What says cool? Peggy Lipton, that's what! She is one of our all time fashion inspirations. We love her and the way she has always seemed to make style look effortless. We mean that in a good way, of course.

You know how you can look back at some old photos of your self and say did I really think I was Alexis Carrington? Or, my makeup could have won first prize at a Halloween party! Or, MC Hammer pants...REALLY???!!! Well, we know the feeling and we're guessing that Miss Peggy Lipton doesn't share the same problem. The girl is timeless.

The moral of the story here is when deciding what you want to adorn your body with, follow this simple rule: Am I going to be happy ten years from now when I pull out an old photo and see myself wearing it? If that doesn't work for you, just do what we do. Would Peggy wear this?